My Heart Hurts
Why Can't We Conceive?
It seems that a person's individual value is brought low with the news that it is not possible to conceive. For both members of the couple there are feelings, thoughts, fears and questions which need to be addressed. Self esteem takes a mighty blow as plans, dreams and hopes for the future unravel. While a couple may feel they stand alone in their sadness and sorrow, the fact is that more than 15 percent of all married couples experience infertility, along with all the feelings, frustrations and fears that go along with it.
But, We Have A Plan
Most couples seem to plan to work until they're ready to start a family then they plan to stop birth control and are sure they'll promptly conceive. Then, for whatever reason, time goes by and there are no children. People are asking questions - the couple is asking questions. What's gone wrong? Why are we not conceiving? When a diagnosis comes back that infertility is keeping the couple from having the family they knew would be theirs, then shock and sadness fill the place where joy and expectation were supposed to reside. Suddenly those who were always in control of their lives find themselves out of control. They're frightened and bewildered. What's wrong with us? Will we ever have children? Are we sterile? What's the problem? Before the problem is even acknowledged fully, there are many emotions the couple finds themselves working through.
The Process Begins
Usually the woman figures it out first and intuitively knows there's a fertility problem. Unconvinced, the man may need medical intervention to come to grips with the issue. Emotions run high as feelings of guilt, anger, frustration, denial, blame, self pity and jealousy occur. It doesn't matter what each one does, it's the wrong thing as disagreements take center stage and every problem becomes a mountain of adversity.
Coping With The Situation
How does a couple cope in all of this? First of all, trust that communication is still the key to unlocking the door to understanding. Talking with others who have experienced difficulty conceiving helps to affirm that their situation is not unique. While each situation is personal, there are still some commonalities. Because the couple is made up of two different individuals, remember that feelings and impressions will differ as well. There will likely be feelings of anxiety and fear over the medical appointment, so being prepared for those thoughts is important. Plans are in disarray, so it's very normal to feel frustrated and angry at a time like this. Remember that communication with each other is critical and even though it may not be easy - it's important. Respond to problems quickly and keep informed, keep talking to one another and to the medical professional. Open lines of communication can go miles in creating the right atmosphere for positive and constructive measures for resolution.
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